bridsa2007

All my troubles seemed so far away.. lol
Actually it's the opposite. I felt awful awful awful.
I told miranda about killing myself. She didn't take me too seriously. She just said it was untrue that all I do is hurt people. And that the classy way to kill yourself is with wine. She doesn't know how close I was.
Honestly, I felt so awful I was thinking about how I'd wait until dad fell asleep and then turn on all the gas of the stove tops and see if it would kill me. Or taking all my medication. Then I just felt comfortable for a second on my bed, and then she texted me.

I think she practically saved my life. Even though she wouldn't believe me.
She asked when I wanted to see her, If I still wanted to.
She seems desperate to see me, and I don't know why. That freaks me out. Also I keep thinking what if she's just planning a nasty trick on me? And then I have my fantasies where we kiss and have fun and then everything is happy.

I had a dream she came to Boronia to meet me, I was on the driveway and it was a bit awkward but we had fun and it was nice. I made her late by about half an hour for work. She didn't want to leave so quickly.
Then I was at the milk bar and Olga was serving me, and mum had given me twenty dollars and told me to return fifteen, or something like that. Then I said to myself or I thought, Olga must me going through what grandma did. She didn't look at me, or even recognise me, she was quite mean. But I said, Hi Olga, and then I was deciding on what to buy but I couldn't, and Miranda had to leave soon and I kept looking but couldn't make a decision. Then I asked, where have all the lollies gone? And that's when Miranda appeared in the doorway. And I was very embarrassed but she just smiled. And she was very patient, but I felt so much tension and I just needed to make a decision but it got harder. In the end I bought two chocolate bars. It was five fifty. I gave the Olga the money, who looked a little bit like Mrs. got at this point and then I handed her the money and she kept looking at me and waiting and I didn't know what was wrong and then she said, oh don't worry about it, I'll just wait till next time then! And I was hurt and embarrassed by this. I got home, and Miranda was there and she had to leave and we were facing each other and I tried kissing her on the cheek, but then she half pulled away. She was still smiling pleasantly. Then I said goodbye but then I hugged her and pulled her to the ground and I said, this is why I didn't want to see you, because I can't bear you leaving me or something like that. And I remember touching her hip and it was so nice feeling and it just felt so good to be that close to her. But then she got up, and I think she was slightly annoyed at being late. I think I saw her at her job and I saw them being annoyed at her? And then I was handing money back to my mum and there was fifteen there and I realised that I'd only given Olga five dollars which was why she was annoyed, I was embarrassed, but now I wasn't confused. Mum was mad and then it goes a bit blurry and dark and other stuff that doesn't make sense happened.




I haven't done any work today. It's sunday, I'm going to mum's tomorrow. God I feel like I'm screwed. I'm so scared. I'm hearing all these noises and I heard this HUGE loud scrabbling noise near the cupboard that felt really close. I fucking HATE THIS HOUSE. I haven't been sleeping properly the last few nights. I feel like i haven't slept for days. I miss Miranda. I just get so hot under my blankets and then i throw them off and on and I just feel so uncomfortable. Or the noises keep me up. Or I just can't sleep. I close my eyes but l lay awake and then I count sheep.

I was so close to suicide yesterday. It probably wouldn't have worked but I was incredibly close to trying. And I thought of Raquel being really upset because she forgot to make me promise not to do it, and that made me think twice. Obviously I'm anxious about school. But there's something else. I'm anxious about Miranda and about what's going to happen and how disappointed I'll be when it fucks up and it's my fault. Or when I meet her boyfriend. Or when I realise she never wants to be with me. And what she did do and I'll just start crying and she'll get mad and angry. Or she'll expect me to make her feel better and when I don't she'll ignore me. I just wish she'd see someone professional. I want her to be safe. I'm so scared i'll be boring or just so awkward. What if we have nothing in common anymore?


My brain. Who understands it? I sure don't.

I just want someone to be close to. To love me. Someone who will listen, and care and understand.
Someone who thinks I'm beautiful and won't get angry at me.

But I am in love with someone who will never ever return my feelings.
Someone who loves another. She's the only person who ever made me feel beautiful, who ever broke through something. I don't know who I am anymore.

A lot of people when defining me think of her. Or my sexuality. Or I'm 'nice' and that's it.

It feels like there's never enough words to define someone.


and she wants him. not me. but she likes to make me feel like I have a chance occasionally.
Of course she doesn't know, but she can't be completely unaware.
I'm a bad bad bad bad person. I deserve pain and suffering beyond anything any other human has gone through, I want it.

I'm evil, disgusting, idiotic and I am boring.

and I can't do any of this stupid homework.





I feel so weird, and bad and awful. I want to be alone. I just want everyone else to disappear.
I want her, I don't want her to find out who I am again. I don't want to be hurt again.

She doesn't know how bad she made me feel nor does she care. Because I made her feel worse. I'm a bad bad bad person. Disgusting, evil.



I want someone to see me. To see this. I want HER to see this. and care. I want someone to know me. how I feel. I want to be happy but I don't at the same time. I want to be dead but I don't at the same times. I want love but I know I don't deserve it. and what is love? it's not saying I love you all the time otherwise I would feel loved.

But it's like there's a filter in me. every time someone says I love you, I hear something else. I hear indifference, annoyance, I hear comfort and security.
I don't hear love. I never hear love. She never once said she loved me yet I felt something when she kissed me.

When she touched me. But It's all in my head. It was my prettylittledelusion. It made me feel happy.

Which is why I got so mad when she took it away. But it felt so fucking real. Realer than anything else in the goddamn world. But whenever I got mad there wasn't anything. There was no escape for my feelings, there was no conflict. It was silence. I can't bear silence. she knows that. she must do. It was indifference. Until I got over it and she did and we never remembered why we were mad in the first place but there was a feeling there.

And the whole time she was falling in love with megan. and meg. and other people who aren't me.
She probably pretended I had red hair. She probably loved me in the dark and pretended I was thirteen.
She probably loved my silence. That's probably why she seemed so angry when I talked.

All the sweetest things she did and said are so fucked up. They have origins of misery.

What kind of love is that? Enough to make you want to die. that's for sure. I feel like doing it now. But who's listening? Who will find this? Who will care even if it's found by someone who knows me in the real world?

I'll just get annoyance. Fear. Anger. Indifference. Nothing that will save me.
Only I can save me.

Like I'll ever do that.

I should probably write this down for raquel and so I remember to tell her.
So I feel really down. I felt happyish this morning, but it's all gone. I said some stupid things to miranda and this was the day she asked to see me, but didn't because she said she had to see her family. I feel like I've been let down again. I really want to cut myself. But can't. I feel a bit suicidal. I've been thinking what if it's because I missed taking my medication on christmas? I was so tired, and I just didn't want to get up to take it. i took it last night though. And will be taking it soon. I just feel awful. Lethargic and tired and I just want to be by myself. My universe has gone a bit topsy turvy, Briony is hardly messaging me or contacting me at all, but miranda is replying all the time. Well, she won't be anymore after I was so stupid. I just hate this and I hate me again. I was hungry and I ate and now I just feel sick. I feel a bit trapped in my own brain. I have that restless feeling again and I don't know what to do about it. I just want to cut. I have so much reading and homework which I feel like I'll never finish. I just think about this year and it's too much effort. I don't know how I can get through it all.

sometimes. I really hate this house.

so i'm confused. she wants to see me. but she still has a boyfriend.
and it makes me really depressed and happy at the same time and it mixes up in my stomach. but that could be the easy mac I ate. which has been giving me stomach cramps.
I want to touch her, and kiss her.
and I don't want her to be with him. especially a him.
if it was a girl, i'd feel less... foolish.
and she says his hair is pretty.
and he was lying on her stomach, reading a brochure?
and i just know, i can't make her happy like he makes her
i hate it. i want to die again. i just want her so badly.

I WANT TO DIE. i can't do any of this anymore.
I can't do all these exams. I have no idea why I'm even writing this.
I don't even know if I want to really die or not.
It's just the default thing that my brain thinks.
Last night, and the night before, I felt awful, and now I feel better.
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHY.
I hate my brain.

all i wanna do is die inside, all I ever think about is you and me falling apart.

t-shirts are cool. i'm going insane.

I don't know what to do anymore. or feel.
I'm just dead inside and I have been for a while.
I'm not sure when it happened. Around the time grandma died maybe,
but I just don't have ANY hope left. I never had much, but I'm getting closer to everything and realizing what's going to happen in my life.
Nothing at all.

my head still hurts.
but at least that feeling from last night is gone.
i don't think i face anything for a while.
just i keep getting this feeling in my stomach just below my chest it just keeps mixing up and churning and i can't deal with it anymore. and then last night just that feeling like i want to throw something
god i am pathetic, i just feel so pathetic.
i kept thinking last night raquel will be disappointed in me.
and that made me feel so bad.
i thought i was doing slightly okay. i just have this burst of emotion, or a suicide attempt or some big confrontation and than i just go into my depersonalisation thing for a while and it happens again. lately anyways.
i cut last night and weirdly i started crying when i saw it all because it wasn't enough anymore and i was too tired to cut as much as i needed to and i hated the fact i just couldn't do it.
and I feel so weird today.
i just can't believe i did that last night
I can't believe that I was like that. it doesn't feel like me. ms. cusack will hate me. raquel will hate me. my friends will hate me. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING, I HURT TOO MUCH. I AM SO PATHETIC I AM SO SCARED OF PEOPLE.
i have the doctors appointment on friday. i just want to die. i couldn't cry for a while. and then it jus tall came out. what the hell is wrong with me?

JESUS CHRIST!
I AM SO PATHETIC. I AM SO PATHETIC.
I COULDN'T FEEL. I STILL KIND OF FEEL LIKE I CAN'T.
MY HISTORY THING WAS DUE TODAY.
I HAD A WEIRD BREAKDOWN BECAUSE I LEFT IT REALLY LATE.BECAUSE I'M STUPID I'M AN IDIOT I'M AN IDIOIT
I HATE ME SO MUCH.
BREAKMEBREAKMBREKAMEBREKAMEBHURTMEHURTMEHURTMEHURTMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLMEKILLME
WHYDIDSHELEAVEME?

please kill me. God

I was going to do it yesterday.
I was going to pretend to go to Briony's and then go down to the train tracks and throw myself on them.
I didn't want to for a while when I was there.
But the urge is back again.
For the first time ever, I've been having all those 'then, I'll show them' kind of thoughts.
It's weird. My suicidalness has always only been a deep hatred of myself, and thinking that my whole life will just all be pain (living hasn't proven much else, still.)
I want to do it, before school starts, before the questions, the accusations, the failing, the tiredness, the apathy, the sadness and everything that comes with school. I hate her.
And when I die, I will win.

public. I should make this post public.
I probably won't though.
I'm tired. Music camp was fun, apart from the whole, briony is being a stupid cow to me.
I'm angry at her. How can I ever trust her again? Even though, I'm not allowed to be angry of course.
'The way I'm living my life' what the hell? you mean, sleeping in until twelve, not going to some classes which won't mean anything, because no-ones listening, because it's the end of the fucking term. I don't want to concentrate on school right now. I want everyone to go away and leave me alone. Of course she has a fucking secret from me. Jesus christ, are you twelve? you have secrets that you told me that I could use against you, but I WON'T because I'm fucking decent human being, which are apparently rare to find these days. And why is that my biggest problem? The fact that I won't be mean to people, the fact that I say sorry for my mistakes, try to listen to people, help them and try to be a nice person. Being nice is fucking overrated I can tell you that.
It's the people who break you, and step on you who find their way. Because their heavy shoes are crushing your skull as they leave a path of broken hearts and bodies on the way.
I'm trying to let you get better on your own, not make you too sad. But jesus christ, if you get angry at every little thing then how the hell can I? and everyone puts up with it because you're briony. do you think they'd put up with me, If I was like that? I tell you I'm not going to school because I'm depressed and all you can do is shout at me, and tell me I'm 'ruining my life'. How the hell did I get so many conservative friends? That believe all that bullshit that's been drilled into our brains since we were kids. I hate the conformists (LOL) but not as much as I hate the non-conformists, and then the people like me who sit around and want to change the world, but don't have the guts, or don't know what to do. When did education and expanding your mind become such a fucking circus? such a fucking chore, with all of our stupid twenty-first century problems. Everyone just takes themselves so fucking seriously. Wow I sound like an emo/hippie and that's not good. I hate the people who are always so sure of themselves, and so smug looking. They can be as dumb as a pile of shit, but when it comes to making you feel bad for knowing something, they're wonderful. Or just saying something different. Or even worse NOT saying something different, and if you're not a chameleon who adapts to the surroundings of others straight away, then you're nothing. I don't understand people.






I don't understand ANYTHING anymore. Like school, work, friends, family.
What the hell is the point? What the hell is stopping all these people from looking at their lives and not saying, I want to die, and get rid of this stupid, stupid life. School and work especially.
Why am I so scared of what people think of me? Why am I constantly telling myself I'm an idiot? and that I shouldn't of said that or that they hate me? What's stopping me from doing what I want, and just leaving.
Yeah, it was fun on music camp, but it's over now. Like everyfuckingthing else.

You can tell I'm tired and it's late. I'm ranting and even I don't know whose typing anymore.


Also, why do I get so much pain in my stomach when I think of painful things?
Does everyone think like me? Does everyone get a stab in their stomach thinking of something that upset them. Or almost crying every time they remember an embarrassing moment. And I watched that stupid video on that train, and it only goes to reinforce her stupid point. cow.
And my chest. Sometimes when I try to sleep, the pain is unbearable. Like when I'm crying.
I just want to throw myself under that train. And see if she's right. But then sometimes I feel crazy because a voice in my head (god?) says, it's going to be alright. and strokes my hair in a thought way. and that sounds so strange. I have a feeling my brain doesn't want to deal with the pain of being rejected, so it's trying to save me. It's telling me it will work out with that situation, because it knows that's all that I want. And it's killing me. All of this pain and confusion. I remember telling myself on camp, remember this moment Bridie, this feeling, because when you're alone and feeling suicidal you'll feel awful, but remember it can get better. That there are moments like these, and you can feel happy. But jesus, I don't care. It's like everything in life you have to come down from. Like everything is a drug. happiness, sadness, love, anger, apathy even. It's all just a path on the way down. I don't want to write a fucking poem about a fucking car crash and have everyone write theirs on the board. How the hell does that make me learn? Or trying to guess what a poem is about. That doesn't let me learn! It just pisses me off. And making a fucking powerpoint about a poet. I hate my school, but I can't live without it. There's too much there to leave and mum just wants to shove it in my face constantly. Just make me feel even worse. Just like Briony.
When I'm honest about how I feel, when I tell people the real reasons for things, they just go out of their way to make me feel worse. Just like her. her. stupid, selfish, bitchy, whorey, boyfriend-having, insulting, awful, mean, cruel, fake, manipulative, hurtful her. but I still love her more than anyone else. Even when she tells me, she doesn't even care if I fucking die, I still love her more than anyone else. And I wish she hated me. Because if she can't love me. Then she knows the least she could do is hate me. No, she knows indifference will hurt the most. ironically, that's one of the first conversations i remember having with her. We were talking about something, and she said she felt indifferent about it, and explained to me what it meant. It feels like she had it planned all along. And I try so hard not to think of her, but I'm so lonely. It's so easy to get to sleep at night when you're pretending someone is holding you really tight, ((LOL)) but I can't do that anymore. It only brings hurtfulness. And I can't help thinking, she likes him, probably loves him, wants to touch him, kiss him, have sex with him, talk to him, she's interested in what he thinks, in what he does, wants to be with him, and wants him to touch her. and not me. and I'd like to pretend she thinks about me all the time. but I know she doesn't. deep down I do. it's just so much easier not thinking about that everyday. I'm in love with someone I don't know. I was in love with a girl I didn't know. I'm in love with a girl who doesn't know me, and doesn't care I was in love with girl who used to know me, and didn't care. And whether I get over her or not. It will never be this good. If it is, then I will find a way to fuck it up. Or someone who just doesn't understand me like the rest of the world. So why don't I just end it? Go down to boronia station, and walk past the arboretum, and listen to a song, and then lie down on those train tracks before the train has time to stop. I just realized I never even made her really laugh. Not the way brigit or sara did. or jack probably does. and when I talk to brigit more, i realize why she said she liked her so much. the difference is, i was talking about physical attraction, and she was talking about intellectual/ emotional/ personality attraction. Because that's how she's attracted to him. and she perceives herself as similar to him. She was going through a phase. She was trying to tell me to stop and I wouldn't. I'm disgusting. I'm a despicable human being living under a facade of niceness and humility. I could never ever tell racquel this. She just gets mad at me for thinking what I think like my family. Because I'm so utterly hopeless. why does everyone get to have someone else and not me? and be happy? or why does everyone get to be simple and not me? why do I think like this. Every time there's a problem at school or something, then I just want to kill myself. i do, then I fail and die. and nardia keeps trying to help, keeps trying to tell me to get over her. but it hurts so much. she's so impatient with me. whereas she won't even buy herself earplugs or something to get to sleep at night. Yeah, nardia reminding me she's moved on and doesn't give a crap about me, and how I haven't, makes me feel SO much better. keep doing that. or better still, why don't you just talk about how nice her boyfriend is some more? or that went through a phase? IF SHE'S SO EMOTIONALLY FUCKED UP THEN WHY THE FUCK DO YOU STILL TALK TO HER KNOWING WHAT SHE DID TO ME? HOW MUCH SHE HURT ME? AND KNOWING HOW BAD I FEEL RIGHT NOW? BECAUSE she's more fun than me to hang out with. admit it. you like her better as a friend. I'm annoying, i get depressed easily, I don't watch anime, and read manga, and make fun of you shamelessly and do stuff like buy a pregnancy test for you. I don't make stupid jokes and scream at people i don't know while embarrassing you. Then talk about those moments around people and make them feel like shit because OH WOW WE'RE JUST SO DIFFERENT OMG IT'S SO AW ESOME ALL THESE NORMAL PEOPLE EWWW! oh yeah. I can so see why you hang out with her. she's so fucking wonderful.



I tell you that she told me that she said DOESN'T CARE IF I DIE and you tell me
THAT SHE WENT THROUGH A PHASE AND IS EMOTIONALLY MESSED UP and that SHE'S EMBARRASSED BY WHAT HAPPENED.
that's that's just spectacular. I feel great now.


I'm a bitch. an awful cruel bitch who should stop bitching about her friends who are only trying to help her undeserving self. it's almost 3:30 and I'm not asleep and I'm going to die. soon.
hopefully. I wish I could be like stargirl. and send a message into the universe and get my answer back. assuming it was a good one of course.

"I want to kiss her without counting the seconds. I want to hold her so long that I get to know her skin. I want, I want, I want."

I'm disgusting.
she hates me.
I hate myself
I'm FAT and i ate lots in the past three days and i was doing well.
she's on msn, I want to talk to her.
but she'll treat like a moron, like all of them do.
I'll end up saying stupid things.
but I don't have anyone.
I never really did.
She was the only thing that made me feel beautiful.

everything is awful as usual.
as is when i post to this stupid journal.
a journal of my failings and all my stupid sucidial crap.
racquel made me feel worse today, because she said that there was work to be done, and that my thinking ws immature. i forgot to eat or drink so i threw up when i finally had water.
mum made me eat dinner and then i ate chocolate laxative things.
i want to go to school tomorrow, but i'm not sure if i should
it's late
i had a dream about drag queens, i feel that my dreams are my only happy place lately.
mums birthday is tomorrow.
briony confirmed my suspicions about her.
and miranda has a boyfriend called jack.
it all seems so stupid when i write it down.
i'm just so sick with anger and jealousy.
i always said if she could never be happy with me, then i wished she could be happy anyways, because it hurt me to see her so sad. well apparently it hurts me worse to see her happy, and now i just feel guilty for thinking that. just why can't i be happy for once?
why is it only when you're mean and awful and horrible to someone that you apparently get rewarded?
it's so unfair.
i just want to die, but i can't it's mums birthday tomorrow. and i don;t know if she could take it.
i don't want people saying how selfish i was, but it's getting really hard to live like this.
i just want out.
my arm hurts a lot.
i hate this, and i hate me so much,
why can;t i just die?
it's obvious i can never be happy.
i'm in love with a girl i used to never know.
and this new miranda doesn't care if i live or die, like the year ten one.
but now she's happy. happy??
i don't know her happy.
and not because of me.
i could never make her happy, and i hate myself for it.
it's not fair. all the times i prayed to god to take away her sadness and all her pain and put it on me.
maybe god listened.

.. / .... .- - . / -- -.-- ... . .-.. ..-. / .- -. -.. / .. / .-- .- -. - / - --- / -.. .. .

i just realised that, the only reason miranda ever carried on with me, is because meg wasn't around.
how sad it that? lol
i want to her so badly, still.
i just wish she cared about me a tiny bit.
it's just all gone though, all of it.
WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?
WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS GOD?
everything hurts doubly much, because i feel so lonely.
everyone is making me feel guilty about things, my family especially
and i want my journal back :'(
its a piece of my life i want to remember.
i want to look back and think, i got through this, and i'll i get through what im going through right now.
but i know i won't
i was there for her when she needed me.
but as soon as i need her, she doesn't like it one bit.
i remember crying my heart out on the ground, with that thing with bree.
i just wanted her to hug me.
she told me to get away from her.
and briony or sarah said something like, shes upset, why don't you hug her or something.
and she just looked me and looked at them, and said something like what about you?
and i think i said i want you.
but she jus walked away.
it was something like that anyways.
i remember staying up until 2 on school nights, staying on the phone with her until she fell asleep.
i remember always telling her everything would be alright.
i remember ringing her up at that stupid mental hosipital, because she said she was lonely.
she hinted, that i was ringing too much, and i stopped ringing as much.
she wanted me to tell my mum i was gay.
and i did.
she wanted me to tell her that we were going out, and that i cut.
and i really was going to!
then she gave up on me.
but i never gave up on her
she never wanted me.
she just wanted to pretend.
she just liked the fact that i loved her,and that i would do anything for her.
she never said sorry
and she lied and lied and lied.
and now im all alone.
and shes has everything she wants.
why is that fair?

Hi,
I haven't posted to you in agessssssssss.
I thought nothing could get worse, but guess what?!!
it did.
Miranda hasn't talked to me since properly since last year, and she hates me and everyone to do with me.
So miranda complained to her homegroup teacher just like she said she would. she said i made her feel uncomfortable and all this crap, and it was obvious she was setting me up.
so mrs. alexander said i should write her an apology note, because right now thats all i can do.
my mum found about the bree stuff, and i want to fallllllllllllllllllllllllll somewhere high.
now mum and dad think im being bullied and stuff and are being extra annoyingly nice to me.
it's alright, because they're letting me take off as many days as i want.
i asked if i could take the whole week off, and mum said if i needed to, i could ring up the schoool or something.
i talked to miranda about it on friday, and she laughed at me.
then she kept waving and waving to brigit and it was making me so mad i wanted to scream, so i grabbed her hand, because i knew she wouldn't say anything if i asked her to stop.
and she said, don't touch me, in this reallly awful, mean voice.
i just wanted to die right there on the spot, or make her die.
so i went home on the train, and my parents didn't care.
they think i'm having problems with my sexuality or something, and miranda doesn't like the fact i'm gay or something like that.
if only they knew about miranda and me, and just how complicated it is.
i just hate being so different all the time, and no-one understanding me, and i hate being me in general.
its getting harder and harder to do everything, and i just want to know what i did that was so horrible to her.
why shes ignoring me, why shes not talking to me properly, why she just used me and led me on like that, and kept saying, oh no, i just did because you were annoying me, i was just messing around, and then being all sweet and just being there for me, and holding my hand, and saying yes when i ask her out, and crap like that.
i mean, i don't have a friend in the world that understands or that would care if i died.
i can understand why miranda thought she was love in with meg right now.
i keep dreaming that she says sorry, and that she loves me, and that she wants to be with me.
i feel like my life is over, and sixteen feels very old, and i want to go back to everything. i want to have never of been born. life would of been so much better.


and briony's leaving soon, so i'm going to be very lonely on the holidays.
extremely lonely.
i'm sick of being fat, annoying and ugly and not good enough for her

i want to be brigit.
i want to be anyone, but not me.
i want to be "unique" and perfect, interesting and beautiful.
i want to be someone who is patient and caring, but not so sensitive and jealous.
i want her to care about me.
i want so many different things, it hurts.

i want to bash my head against a wall until i die.

i want her to talk to me again, like she used to.

i think she has bpd.
i wish i could make her happy, and take her away from everything bad and just be there for her.
but i'm not strong enough.

i cut myself again, the other day, and it felt really good, but it wasn't enough.
i showed ryan my arm, and he said it was pathetic and that his friend could do better.

i got so angry at him, because its true.
i'm pathetic.

i can never go deep enough.

i never bleed enough.

i want to hurt physically, more than i'm hurting inside right now.

i'm too fucking apathetic, to care whether or not people think i'm emo
thats their fucking problem.



i want someone to love me.

please god, just take mercy on me for once and stop this hurting.

i can't even see my mum more than on the weekends, because amelias living their permantly now because of this stupid fight we had the sunday before last.
i ran away for four hours and they got paranoid.
i threw things and dad yelled and i screamed, and amelia and i cried.

it was because we wouldn't ring annamarie at the hospital for mum.

and he grabbed my arms, and i was trying to throw something at him, and amelia thought he was hitting me or abusing me or something stupid like that.

shes so fucking paranoid.
i just want to die.


and i'm scared of the fact, that almost nothing scares me anymore.

it's worse than year eight.